Twin Pregnancy Part 1 of 4

Twin pregnancy – an exceptional, complicated, and deeply personal process. Since there are many aspects to discuss to have a better understanding of this time, I have written a four-part blog series about it. In this first part I will discuss when we found out that I was pregnant, when we found out that we were expecting twins, and the first trimester. My hope is to share my story so that if you find yourself in my situation you can get a better understanding of the way it may feel and how it is all part of an extraordinary yet difficult journey that shapes you as a mama and as a person.

Garrett and I decided in November of 2016 that we were ready and wanted our first baby. We had been together eleven years at this point, so we had just been waiting to feel ready. On January 21^st we found out that we were expecting. Garrett was leaving on a work trip that same night and even though I was taking the test six days early we still decided to take it. It was midday when I decided to take the test and we just stood next to each other looking at the timer on our phone. When we went to check there were two lines! One dark and one faint. We were so excited! It was by far one of the most exciting moments of our lives. We were apprehensive to get excited though, just out of need to protect ourselves.

Garrett and I decided to go on a run and then take another test. When I took the second test it was positive again. We were more excited but still not convinced. We took three more tests before we truly believed that we were expecting. Crazy… I know. Now looking back, I know I was able to get the results so early because of the higher levels of hormones in my body since we had conceived twins.

That first week only Garrett and I knew and our closest friends; my best friend and her husband. Once Garrett returned, we shared the news with our families. Everyone was so happy; I will always remember this time as one of the most special ones in our lives. I was given so much love and so much support and I knew while it was happening how blessed we were to be experiencing such joy.

The next four weeks I had all the fears that most women do. I was afraid of an ectopic pregnancy, I was afraid that I would miscarry. I just did everything in my power to eat as healthy as possible, to exercise daily, and to have faith. I had been taking prenatal vitamins since November and to be honest I had been extremely healthy with my body the past year because I knew that I wanted to have a baby and because I had been health conscious for years.

I felt pretty good those first four weeks, but I had started to feel a little nausea and smells were beginning to bother me. I also felt very tired which was not like me. I am an energetic person and can be going all day. My mom would make comments how it was too early in my pregnancy to be feeling much but of course we didn’t know that my body was creating two lives.

On February 24th I went in for my first appointment. In my doctor’s office the first appointment is typically with a nurse practitioner and the following one with a doctor. A close friend worked at the office and I was able to have Garrett, my parents, my best friend, and my sister in the room for the scan. She checked me and then we heard the heartbeat. We all had tears in our eyes; there was a fetus and we could hear the most amazing sound – a heartbeat. That’s really all you care about at that moment during your first appointment and really every other after that. When we were almost done with the scan, she asked for me to rotate my legs so that she could check one more thing… the next moment she was saying, “It looks like you are expecting twins.”

My world literally started spinning. This is by far, without question, the biggest surprise of my life. Garrett’s face looked terrified. My mom, sister, and best friend were shocked, and my dad was celebrating. I asked her if she was sure and she showed me the two heartbeats. I had no words. She asked if I needed a moment and I said yes. The moment she walked out I started crying, and this is coming from a person who rarely cries. I know this is probably not the reaction most people have but the truth is that I had never wanted twins, it was quite the opposite.

Its funny because one of my close friends had dreamt that I had twins before she even knew I was pregnant. Since she had told me I had worried and researched but really there was no way in my mind that I could have twins. Yet here I was in this tiny room pregnant with twins. Everything changed after that appointment for me. From the conversation with the nurse practitioner to the sonogram that had to be immediately scheduled for the following week. I was wise enough to know that twins were a game changer and I was genuinely freaking out.

The pregnancy was high risk. I would have appointments all the time. I was 117 pounds when I got pregnant; what would this mean for my body? How much weight would I gain? Would I be able to hold these babies? Would the babies be healthy? Would we be in the NICU? How could we afford this? I can’t work part-time; it wouldn’t be financially worth it. My relationship, how would it change it? How could we do this? Two of everything? How would my life be – pure chaos? What if there’s a third baby? Nobody is going to want to be with me. My time will be split with two babies. It is going to be so hard. I am not going to be able to enjoy it the same. The questions and the fears went on and on and on.

Fear had taken over everything. I honestly was just afraid. I couldn’t envision any of it and I had to grieve the vision I had created in my mind since I was young. All I knew was that I had no idea what to expect and that control had flown out of the window. Now I see all the lessons. The lesson of leaning in, of having faith, of trusting the process, of realizing that in our lives we don’t have control over everything and that there’s something so magical and beautiful about that.

By the nine-week mark in my pregnancy I was starting to have a lot of morning sickness, and when I say morning, I really mean all day sickness. It gradually just kept getting worse and worse. The nausea, the smells, the tiredness. I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning until my husband brought me breakfast (god bless him). Almost every type of food was making me nauseous and it just kept getting worse. Eating snacks helped; ginger candies, gum, and cold foods all helped but, I will be honest, I was feeling like I had a terrible hangover day after day and working with first graders as a teacher was hard.

On March 3^rd, a day before flying out to Hawaii for our annual spring break vacation, I was able to see – really see – the boys in a sonogram. They both looked healthy and everything seemed to be going the way it was supposed to. The technician doing the sonogram was the first to tell us that we may have identical twins; he could see where one egg had attached and implanted. We were in awe of this information and inside of me I had a feeling that they were identical, just as he did, and many other nurses and doctors would think too in the months to come.

After seeing my babies and having time to rest and be in my favorite place with my favorite people I started to let go of the fear a little and excitement began to surface again. I was still running and exercising, and I was so close to the 13-week mark when I was supposed to feel miraculously better. I hung on to that date…and it came, and I was still sick. But by week 14 I started feeling better and by week 15 it was all gone, and I felt a lot more like myself.

Now that I can look back and reflect; if I could go back and talk to myself, I would have said to stop thinking. To just enjoy the excitement, the unknown. To make the most of my free time, read the books, get my nails done, get massages, go to Pilates, and enjoy my time with Garrett. I would tell myself that this is just one of the many lessons I would learn in this journey! I would tell myself to stop running, the way many people told me to. I would urge myself to put my body first when I was feeling terrible, instead of my job. Simply, I would have been a lot gentler with myself and I would have basked in the joy, in the miracle, and in the blessings because that’s really all one can do.

Worrying and trying to make sense of everything is just a waste of time and it robs you of all the beautiful and once-in-a-lifetime moments you are experiencing. Being present; that’s where the magic lies. Pregnancy and motherhood – they will change you forever. You will never be the person you once were, and you won’t want to be. Holding on to who you used to be is counterproductive; you grow so much, why ever go back?

So, if you find yourself in a cycle of fear, try to let go. Try to breathe, try to focus on the present moment. Change your perspective and practice gratitude for all that you have. Motherhood is anything but easy. You will figure it all out just as millions and billions of women have throughout time. And most importantly you will feel a love and a purpose that you can’t even begin to comprehend until you hold that baby (or babies) in your arms.

If you are in a similar season of life, or you have had a similar experience, I would love to know all about it. You can leave me a comment, email me, or dm me on Instagram. Please also feel free to ask any questions! I want to create a community so that all of us mamas can feel supported because what we feel matters too.